Last night after work, I went with my Brother to see The Expendables.
I was on the fence when I first heard about the movie because Stallone generally doesn't do a grey area film, it's usually really, really awesome (Rocky). Or really, really bad (Stop or my Mom will shoot). This movie for me, started out as the former, then within a few hours after seeing it shifted toward the latter. Despite this though, the film was oddly fun.
I think most people who see this will have a similar experience. In a way, I felt like my Brother, and I had a role reversal because usually I'm the one to see things like plotholes, bad editing, bad storytelling, etc. right away, and he's usually the type to yell "Hey, it's just a movie. Just enjoy it." Not that I said that, I didn't. Although in the end I liked the movie a lot more than he did. Even though that is the case, he was right about the movie's glaring flaws, which I will get to. There will be spoilers, so if you don't want things ruined then look elsewhere.
The movie opens up with a fine enough start. An ocean freighter is taken over by Pirates, and it's crew is taken hostage. As the Pirate Captain begins to tape their death threat tape, he is covered in laser trackers. The Expendables are seen on a higher level of the ship looking down upon them. They tell the Pirates that they have the ransom money, but the Pirates refuse to let the hostages go. It is here that Dolph Lundgren shoots THE ENTIRE TORSO off of the Pirate Captain, and a high octane action sequence takes place. The Expendables vanquish everyone, and wonder where Dolph is. Dolph is about to hang the only surviving Pirate, and is told by Stallone that this isn't the way a mercenary operates. When Dolph decides to try for it anyway, Jet Li scuffles with him, and loses. Stallone then tells Dolph he isn't on the team anymore, and upon getting back he is let go.
After a short scene setting up Jason Statham's friendly Knives Versus Handguns rivalry with Stallone, Statham goes to a Girlfriend's house where he finds she's been going out with another Gentleman Caller. They have an arguement, and Statham leaves.
Mickey Rourke plays a weird combination of creepy old man, and wise old sage. It's here they try to establish that The Expendables have a front as a biker bar/tattoo shop. Rourke has recurring old sage speeches, throughout this movie, and he also works on Stallone's ne'er finished inking.
It is here that we start running into one of the movie's problems. Editing. The scenes don't flow in a way that exposite the story properly. You have to kind of analyze scenes in your mind to kind of, sort of, get what is going on. So with that said, I (From what I can best remember) will continue with what I interpereted is suppose to happen.
Stallone is called to a church, to meet a guy named "Church" who turns out to be Bruce Willis. The Govenator of California has a cameo here, as another contact supposedly considered for a recon mission Willis needs to pay for someone to do. Stallone, and Schwartzenegger take friendly verbal jabs at one another, as Willis explains that there is some crazy despotic General on an island nation in the Gulf of Mexico, and that he needs evidence of things going on in the Country. Schwartzenegger tells Willis it's a suicide mission that only an idiot would go on, and wishes Stallone luck. Willis asks Stallone what Schwartzenegger's problem is, and Stallone tells him "He wants to be President" Admittedly, everyone in the theatre chuckled when this happened.
Anyway, Willis tells Stallone he'll kill him, and his friends if he screws him over. So Stallone tells the group about the task at hand, then takes Statham with him. The two sneak onto the island pretending to be environmentalist photographers (Don't ask), and eventually find Eric Roberts, and Stone Cold Steve Austin ordering a bunch of soldiers to rough up some towns people. Statham takes a bunch of photos, and the two go off to meet a contact which wasn't adequately explained to us. It turns out to be this woman who agrees to drive them around town. Stallone convinces her to take them to their Capitol building (A giant palace). On the way Statham decides to go on foot.
When they get to the Palace, a truck of soldiers spots Stallone, and the woman. Statham makes the save, and an elaborate action sequence takes place. This culminates in a chase scene back to their plane. At the plane Statham implores the woman to go with them, but she refuses. Statham ultimately starts the plane for take off without her. While this is going on Stallone takes out the staff at the pier with his handguns.
By this point Stone Cold shows up with Eric Roberts, and another wave of bad guys who from 50 feet away CAN'T HIT THE PLANE. As if that wasn't silly enough, this is where we see the biggest shark jump in action movie history. Slyvester Stallone, IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIREFIGHT, makes a jump CLEARING HALF THE LENGTH OF THE PIER, and gets to the door of the plane. WITHOUT GETTING SHOT.
Granted, I know this is supposed to be a highly budgeted version of an 80's Action B Movie, but we just laughed out loud when we saw this scene.
Anyway, after this happens our two protagonists could simply leave, but no. Statham goes into a hidden compartment on the plane's nose cone which reveals hidden machineguns. Stallone turns the plane around dropping a flamable smoke screen while Statham mows down everyone except our Boss characters, then blows up the pier. Then the two fly back stateside.
After this (If my memory serves me right) Eric Roberts is meeting with Stone Cold, and the General. Roberts displays security footage of Stallone, and Statham while concluding that a mole must have let them in to ruin his operation. It is here we finally establish that he is paying off the General to run the island as a Tyrant, in exchange for the illegal drug business run there. Dolph Lundgren shows up, and tells them he can get Stallone for them because he used to be an Expendable.
Later Statham goes back to see the girl he's into where he learns the other guy she's been seeing beats her. So Statham makes her take him to the guy who turns out to be playing basketball with friends. Statham tells him he's beaten her for the last time, and another really awesome fight scene ensues. He single handedly takes them all out, before telling her "This is what I do. I'm not perfect."
While this is going on Stallone feels guilty that the girl wouldn't come with them. He talks with Rourke who tells Stallone in a previous battle he could have saved a woman from jumping to her demise, but he didn't, and it eats at him. So Stallone decides to go back for her. Jet Li runs off with Stallone telling him "Friends die forever" As they begin to drive toward the docks they get ambushed by Dolph Lundgren, and a bunch of other enemies. Another really awesome action scene ensues, cars get smashed up, there's carnage all over the roads. It's intense. This culminates in a warehouse where Dolph Lundgren is led into an area of catwalks, and Jet Li has a huge fight scene with him. Things take a turn for the worst though after Lundgren reverses a chokehold, and slams the crap out of Jet Li into a catwalk above his head. Just when Lundgren is about to Gorilla Press Drop Li onto a vertically exposed pipe, Stallone shoots him. They pretty much tell you Lundgren isn't going to die here when Stallone tells him "I shot you above the heart " but they try to sell it like he is. Lundgren is seen whispering to Stallone before the scene ends. Now while they don't come out, and say it. THIS is what transpires. Lundgren tells Stallone THE ENTIRE lay out of the palace where they're holding the woman Stallone wants to go back, and save.
Meanwhile, Eric Roberts is torturing the woman to get information, about the Expendables
The remaining Expendables re assemble, and head back to the island. It is here we learn that the woman is the corrupted General's daughter, and that the General is planning to betray Eric Roberts. The Expendables sneak back onto the island, then somehow despite being out in the open get into the palace unseen. Here we have a montage of action scenes, and booby trapping the palace in plain sight. They literally plant enough C4 to take out a small city.
Stallone finds the girl as she's about to be taken to Eric Roberts. But Stone Cold shows up, and the girl is taken away. Another really cool fight scene begins here. Stone Cold beats the tar out of Stallone, while the rest of the team takes out hundreds of bad guys. Statham, and Li take on a miniboss, and kill him, while Stone Cold gets away.
While this goes on the General begins a speech in which he's about to call out Eric Roberts on his crimes, but Eric kills the General which incites an epic bloodbath against the Expendables. This sees them blow up pretty much everything. The palace gets blown up, Terry Crews pretty much vaporizes every foot soldier with a chaingun, and takes out two towers. Jet Li beats the shit out of Stone Cold Steve Austin. An entire Gas line is set ablaze during this, and Jet Li kicks Austin 3:16 into the flames. Austin is about to die anyway when Randy Couture decks him in the face for the "Final" hit. Eric Roberts tries to escape to a helicopter but Terry Crews THROWS A MORTAR SHELL WHILE STALLONE SHOOTS IT WITH A HANDGUN, AND BLOWS IT UP!
Nobody dies from this. Roberts finally tells Stallone if he doesn't put down his gun, he will kill the girl so Stallone does. Roberts shoots Stallone, then exposites on about how he's supposedly no different than Stallone, but he was thrown out of the CIA because he saw the big picture, and so he enacted this whole take over an island nation plan. Stallone shoots him, but out of nowhere Roberts is also impaled with a giant sword before dying. Statham shows up, and tells Stallone that blades are as fast as bullets, though not in those exact words.
So with Eric Roberts, and Stone Cold Steve Austin dead, the General's daughter can now go on peacefully. Once again she stays behind, while the Expendables go home.
Back at the bar Rourke, is challenging Statham to a dart game with daggers. It is here that the film's biggest plothole occurs. Dolph Lundgren, the guy who betrayed, and nearly killed his own team mates for firing him, and put the security of the nation at risk in the process, is not only alive. But is at the bar, talking with everyone as if nothing bad had ever happened. THIS MAKES NO SENSE WHATSOEVER. These guys are MERCS. There is no way that a Mercenary who went rogue on his own team would be alive let alone WELCOMED BACK WITH LOVING ARMS
The film then ends with everyone going for a motorcycle ride to the sounds of Thin Lizzy.
To it's credit, and I really do think a lot is due for it. The films action sequences are simply awesome. They are everything we were promised, and everything an over the top, brain candy action movie is all about.
But after that veneer wears off, you begin to see the flaws my brother noticed right away, and I realized an hour or two after viewing. Another problem I didn't really get into talking about the plotline, is that they don't really explain much of a backstory about the characters. We get a little exposition from Rourke, and we get to see Statham has a relationship with an abused woman, but we don't get much else. Like I mentioned before, the editing could have been better, we don't really get much of a flow between scenes, and we have to assume things were said or done to bring sense to parts of the story. What compounds this problem is the major plothole with Dolph Lundgren's character.
But the odd thing about this is that despite all of these really big problems, it still managed to be an entertaining movie. It's certainly not a great one by any stretch, but it is worth checking out for the action scenes. After seeing it once though you probably won't want to see it again. For those who do, it's going to be a guilty pleasure. The sort of thing you know you're not supposed to like, but some small part of you just can't help it.
My brother gave it a 5 out of 10. I liked it a wee bit more, so I'm going with 6 out of 10.
*I'm sure someone out there will point something out I missed, or correct me on something I remembered wrong, and that's fine. But my opinion still stands.
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